II

So welcome to my blog...This may be sad blog but I don't want it to be. However I will write about my feelings of depression, my experience of suicidal actions and the many time I have commited selfharm.
I wish people who are now living that can in somehow identify themselves with it.
Just to let you know, I am not over my depression, depression is not something you can heal from with just a few nice words and medicine.
I still suffer from it, I still cry and feel lonely but this time I know what is happening.



what is depression? There are so many meanings, words to describe it, but those are just letters printed in a dictionary or just in a screen.
What is it for you? What is it for me?
For me it is the worst, however I can be in somehow thankful to it. But my way of describing it is as a ghost that will hunt you forever until the day you die. However I think we can learn living with it. Not a sad life but a life when we have lived the worst and learn from it.
We all have scars of life, however our are deeper because we feel more, we are more sensitive, people laugh at us, and tell us we are "emo" and just we are! We are emotional indeed! What is to laugh about it?...


We feel as we are the only ones, however we know we are not... it is hard to trust and when we trust we give our hearts aways, which it can be easily smashed and it hurts but no matter how many times, we cannot change we walk with our broken heart in our hands, exposed, even though we try to wear a scary mask, however it does not work we end up getting hurt more and more...
We look scary to others, we look like we don't care, however we just want to be loved, we are afraid that noone will ever like us, because at the end we are the rejected ones, we are the forgotten ones...

We like dark scary things, however we like cute things too... we read vampire books while listening classical music, we also hear heavy music... we have other taste, we are just different... but arent we all different? Just because we look more scary or darker than others we are despised... In darkness we found a home, we enjoy being alone however we also dislike it as we spend way too much time on our own, we are introverted, shy... we are different from what people think of us. We look serious and cold, however we are not scary people, we just want to be loved, in our cold eyes you could see our screaming souls asking to be held, to be loved and accepted...

The day someone will find us, will see our scars and realizes how broken we are and that despite our scars it will give us a hand, will makes us feel loved and we will feel like we have our place and not alone anymore... that day will come...

I

And so it is dark... is it cold? is it hot?... I think my senses are too numb to be able to feel anything.
No matter where I look it is dark and maybe pitch black.
I tried to scream, it hurts, it feels it is ripping apart my inside, however I open my mouth and nothing comes, just a silent scream that noone can hear and hurts so much that it feel I will break.


I look around, is there anyone out there? Why noone looks at me?
Don't look at me with judging eyes, could someone love me?
It hurts now, can someone make it less painful?


The shadows will reach me, the shadows will eat me alive. Because noone cares, Am I alive or dead? I don't know... but I think I am alive because it hurts so much. I don't want to cry by myself, would someone hold me? I cry until I feel asleep and then I wake up alone again.
Can someone stay with me? Can someone smile at me? Can someone love a broken soul like me?

There is this strange feeling inside me, I feel like giving up, however I dream with life.
Somewhere outside, somewhere within this darkness, stars shine, they are waiting, I will see them and follow them. Someone will help her/his hand to me and embrace me, it will make the pain more bearable.


Yes somewhere in this darkness will be with me, will accept my soul as it is, no matter how broken it is, someone will smile and I will learn to love myself with my scars. The stars will shine and there won't be such a darkness, I won't be afraid...